Plebe Questions AKA "You're in the REAL Navy Now

Al MacDiarmid

When I reported aboard the USS Stoddard (DD-566) on a Sunday afternoon as a brand new ensign, the officers of the wardroom told me that we had a crazy man for a captain. It seems he liked to ask plebe questions of the officers at the wardroom table.
I was then told that his favorite question was, "What's the fastest animal in the world?" The answer he wanted was "Jaguar". I said, "But that's not even right!" Their answer, "But that's the answer he wants." I was further told that he would get me to draw my sword in the wardroom and that if I did, I would have to buy the wardroom champagne. I told them I didn't have a sword, but they responded that he would get around that.

The following morning I met the Captain. He demanded to know where I had been. It seems he had reported aboard his first ship right out of the academy. The Navy had told us all to take 60 days basket leave. He then ordered me to get my sword. Of course, I didn't have one. He wanted to know why not and I told him we had 2 years to get one and I expected to buy mine in Japan when we cruised over there. That didn't please him at all, he was buy American. He had the DCA go get his sword. I was the smallest officer aboard and the DCA the largest. I put the sword on and it fell around my feet. By the time I got it adjusted, the buckle was in the small of my back.

He then ordered me to draw the sword. I said, "Sir, is that a direct order?" He said, "Yes!" I drew the sword and he said, "You owe us all champagne." I said, "No, sir, you owe us all champagne because you gave me a direct order. If you had ordered me to walk off the fantail I would have done it, although I would have doubted your ability."

Neither of us ever bought the champagne.

A few weeks later I thought the other officers had been kidding about the plebe questions. Then it started. I had spent 4 years gaining the title of "Mister". He skipped that and addressed me like an enlisted man. He had a very powerful voice also.

"MACDIARMID!"

"Yes, sir"

"What's the fastest animal in the world?"

"A tse-tse fly sir, it goes 600 miles per hour."

He then said, "A fly is not an animal."

I said, "Well sir, it's not a plant."

Seeing as he was not getting through to me, he turned to the one reserve officer who really could care less what his fitness reports said. He was probably the only sane one in the room. "GOLD! What's the fastest animal in the world?"

Now he knew that Bob Gold, who we called Rag because of his initials, slowly turned and looked him in the eye and said, "Uh, a three toed tree sloth?"

All the officers but the captain thought that was funny, but the captain excused himself from the table frothing at the mouth and almost out of control. He had to go to his cabin to recover.